Glorifying the American Can

Just when you thought it couldn’t get more interesting, into the breach steps a force of nature known as Chi Chi LaRue.  Chi Chi, as some of you may know, literally “discovered” me in the best Schwab’s tradition in a bar in Minneapolis.  I was chatting with her the other day and telling her about my show and the whole Canned Ham project and, well one thing led to another and she said, “Tommy, [she’s the ONLY person I allow to call me that] why don’t I just produce the damn thing?”

 

And there was light.  And it was good.

 

I dunno, maybe she just wanted to make sure the references to her in the play are positive ones, but whatever the reason I’m thrilled as can be that the person who acted as my mentor when the whole thing started (and, let’s face it, Gus Mattox is the main reason you’re even reading this now) is going to be connected with this show.  In many ways I’m looking at “Canned Ham” as the culmination of the adventure that began that cold December night back in 2002 so there’s a certain sentimental richness having Chi Chi on board.

 

Certainly, now, there will be much more to come.  Stay tuned…  

Later, Dude.

I Can Get It For You Retail

Nature abhors a vacuum.  So do shoppers.  For the three months I’ll be on Saba the “Canned Ham” T-shirts will, of course, be unavailable.  Mickey possesses many wonderful attributes, but opposable thumbs are not among them so she will be unable to address mailing labels.  Enter Dan Turk.  Not only does Dan have opposable thumbs, he has a shop.  In Hudson, NY, the recently opened Count Turkoffky’s Department Store is a tiny emporium of wonderful objects, both wearable and non-.  And, as of yesterday afternoon, the Count is the exclusive source for the “Canned Ham” T-shirt.  Dan generously volunteered to feature the shirts in his inventory, right next to the hand-made vintage Rockmount Western shirts.  Such exclusive company!

 

So, if you should find yourself in front of no. 6 So. Fourth Street in Hudson this summer, drop in to see Dan.  And buy a shirt.  You’ll save yourself the shipping charge.  Sure you’ll have to spend the 7o bucks for the train up there, but it’s a nice ride.

 

Here are a few shots of Dan and his store.  You’ll notice he’s wearing a cape.  Everybody’s doing it.

The Reveal

I’ve written in years past of the importance—nay, the necessity—of counting among one’s friends top-notch photographers.  Not only do they generally make for stimulating conversation, it’s always very handy to have someone around with the ability to document one’s activities beyond what we mere mortals are capable of with our point 'n’ shoots.

 

What you see below I shall call “Exhibit A.”  Beth Schneck is a friend and fellow NYC expatriate who, among other things, used to photograph all the big time art exhibits at Sotheby’s in New York.  The stories of being alone in the studio with gazillion dollar artworks are thrilling.  My favorite Beth Schneck/Sotheby’s story involves a photograph she took for the cover of the Sotheby’s catalog of Jeff Koon’s “Hanging Heart.”  The story of getting a good shot of the metallic sculpture is interesting in its own right, but what intrigued me is that—due to its reflective surface—Beth herself is in the shot.  And not only was it the cover of the catalog, it was reproduced on a huge banner hanging outside of Sotheby’s for the auction.  The image was reproduced ad infinitum.  You may even have seen it yourself.  And if you have, you’ve seen Beth.

 

Her website is here, and it’s terrific.

 

This particular shoot came about because Beth likes to make portraits of people in their homes.  It was she who suggested the slight variation of doing my picture not in my house, but in the Canned Ham.  I had to think long and hard about that one.  For about two seconds.  What a great idea, I thought, and what a nice way to cap off the restoration project.   We got out the props and the wardrobe and Beth brought over a lighting setup which floored me, but which, as you'll see, really leant a quality to the pictures that instantly clues the viewer in to what-the-heck this "Canned Ham" thing is really all about.  It was terribly difficult for me to choose two pictures for this entry.  I more or less put my hand over my eyes and pointed, knowing that whichever image I chose would be great.  Mickey was not having it that afternoon, but Beth managed to get a couple that make my feline menace look engaged.  There is one particular shot that really sums up the entire vibe of the “Canned Ham” project in toto, but I think I’ll save that one for a special event.

 

In other Ham news, well, she’s done.  I’m sure, come fall, I’ll find one or two things I want to add, but I’m saying finis on my part of this reno project.  I got a new jack and caster wheel yesterday at the local RV place (where they are very patient with novices, by the way) and Monday AM my mechanic will come over, replace the wheels and tires and haul ‘er off for the—I’ve gotta say it—important restoration work.  Sure, glowing wood paneling and a surround sound TV are all well and good, but if the thing slides off the chassis going through the Great Smokey Mountains, nobody’s really gonna care.

There will probably be one more entry here before I direct your undivided summer attention to… 

Camera Ready

Here is just a little tease; Beth Schneck amidst the detritus of the first official photo shoot for “Canned Ham.”  Beth came over yesterday afternoon and worked her magic, creating an actual photo studio set in the backyard.  When she gets some images to me I’ll publish one here, possibly as soon as tomorrow.

 

You’ll be amazed.

Joint Custody

This is more than likely the only entry to be posted simultaneously on the Saba blog and the camper blog.  I just couldn’t decide where it was more appropriate, so it’s hitting them both.

 

Tickets have been secured for both legs of the trip to the Caribbean (JFK to St. Maarten; St. Maarten to Saba) and, even though it’s more than a week before I leave, I packed my bags.  I’m the world’s lightest traveler; for three months away I’ve two carry-on sized suitcases.  I figure sunblock and a couple of Speedos and I’m set. 

 

I’ve been so focused on the Canned Ham adventure that the mere act of packing for Saba got me excited all over again for this part of the project.  For that’s how I’m looking on the Saba trip, as the precursor to hitting the road in the fall.

 

But first I have to wrap things up here at home.  

 

My last day at the Albany Damien Center was a day of keeping emotions in check.  In spite of my brief tenure there, the place left a profound impression on me.  The typical response when telling people about my job was, “it must feel great to contribute in that way.”  When, in fact, the dividends from the job far, far outweighed my investment.  I strongly encourage everyone reading this to find some not-for-profit volunteer position.  Even if just a few hours a week.  You will be amazed at what it does for your state of mind.

 

At what was my final staff meeting (cake… singing... the whole megilah) I was asked about my plans post-Saba, and if I would be coming back to the ADC.  I said I would like to put in a few hours in September when I’m back from the Caribbean but that, no, I would not be returning permanently because of the Canned Ham tour I have in the works.  The conversation turned to what that was all about and it was then my boss, Dorothy, wondered if I might be interested in giving a benefit performance of the show in Albany before I head out on the road. 

 

The idea was so obvious I’m amazed I hadn’t thought of it myself.  So “Canned Ham” has its first official booking:  the world premiere of the show will be at a venue and date TBA sometime in September as a benefit for the Albany Damien Center.  After that I’ll probably get a one-nighter gig in NYC so it can be billed as “direct from New York.”

 

So now there is a world premiere engagement, T-shirts, refrigerator magnets and a developing itinerary.  Something’s missing, though.  What is it….?  Oh, yeah.  The show.  In point of fact, I’m already writing it.  The way I work on a writing project is ideas gestate in my head and I move things around mentally before sitting down to a blank page.  So it’s starting to take shape even if there’s nothing tangible.

 

Good thing I’ll have a project to work on while I’m on Saba.  I’d sure hate to get bored there.

 

 

 

The photo below is my peeps from the Damien Center on my last day.  This is a case of the gang’s not all here; a few key players are missing from the picture.  

Kansas City

I’ve gone about as fer as I can go.

 

In terms of polishing the exterior, that is.  I had the tripod set up to shoot—a lá Muybridge—the hour or two I spent cleaning up the back side of the camper.  Well, two weeks later…  Jeez, but that was a tough one!  Funny how 50 years of oxidation can ruin a fella’s day.  Mother’s Aluminum Polish is, indeed, great stuff.  But on a normal job.  This was anything but. 

 

In essence, I had to get the surface to a point where it could be considered a polishing job that was a bit overdue and not one that involved scraping off the residue of decades spent sitting out in the weather.  To help me in this mission my mechanic did something no mechanic has done before:  he loaned me one of his tools:  an industrial strength polisher that kind of spun me around like a top if my feet weren’t planted firmly on the ground.  Picture Harpo Marx wielding on oversized spinning gyroscope and that was me. 

 

He also handed me a container of professional cleaning paste. I ended up going through four of them.  This stuff was nasty!  Red, muddy and stained like hell anything it got itself onto.  I spread it on the skin of the camper and hit it with the Dino-polisher and watched as it turned to a black muck.  This had to be immediately wiped clean before the black muck dried into black cement.  Even with this cleaning agent and the Cyclonic polishing implement it was a several-hours job.  By the time I finished it was a tossup as to who was covered with more black paste:  The Canned Ham or just the plain old ham (me.)  I won hands-down in the "Guess Who's Sweatier?" contest.

 

And still it wasn’t done!  That just got it to the point where Mother’s could take over.  And that meant elbow grease.  Nothing else seemed to work.  Just me, a bag of rags and 5 tubs of Mother’s.  You can see from the photos the difference is really quite amazing.  It’s tarnished in spots past the point where I am capable of cleaning it, but after all that hard work I’ll happily live with it.  I think maybe a coat of Turtle Wax and we will call the job done! 

 

Oy.

 

But…..!

 

When I was in the city this past week I picked up my cushions at Economy Foam on 8^th Street in the Village.  I’ve gotten all the upholstery jobs for all my houses done there.  They ain’t cheap (I could buy a fleet of campers for what the cushions alone cost) but, dang, they are good!  The place is lined with rows and rows of foam and fabrics.  By coincidence, it’s in the same location as the former 8^th Street Playhouse, an old movie theater which was my first job when I moved to New York in 1978.  Imagine how thrilling that was—not only was I actually working in a movie theater, but when I was hired they were in the middle of a Judy Garland festival!  This country boy thought he had died and gone to heaven.  And I had, in a way, but I suppose I’d better save all that for the show…

 

The cushions are, as I knew they would be, fantastic.  They fit perfectly and they’re comfortable and look great.  It’s really like my kitchen moved out to the camper, with the same fabrics and floor tile.  Last night Mickey and I went and watched a movie out there, just to see what it will be like.  It was fun!  Mickey loved it!  I loved it!  The surround sound was amazing!

 

What a year I have in store for myself once I hit the road.

 

A few minor details (installing the awning, replacing the glass in the windows and the rubber window gaskets, installing the [totally adorable] TV antenna, etc.) and The Ham will be off to summer camp (the mechanic.)  Until then I think I’ll watch a movie every night!  Maybe I’ll even sleep out there.

 

Yippee!

 

Here’s a set of photos of the latest results.  Some are before-and-afterish, although not exactly.  My friend Nadine, over at Bouler Design Group, and I are kind of fascinated by the ads that Google places alongside these blogs of ours.  I’m going to try to force the issue and see what happens.

 

With that in mind:  In the last photo of the set I’m wearing Mondo Unico boxer briefs.  They’re 100% cotton and I like the way they fit. 

 

Google me that, Batman!

 

      

Floor Show

Now, that’s what I’m talking about. 

"Auntie Hem, Auntie Hem!"

It’s curtains for me!

 

I no longer have to worry about the prying eyes of my RV Park neighbors.  Deb loaned me her Singer and I whipped up some lovely curtains in no time flat.  Quél difference!  Now all I need is glass in the windows!  (Two of them, anyway.)  I didn’t put anything over the capsule portholes in the sleeping area, but one is too high to see into and the other, well, I’ll figure something out when the time comes.

 

Later today, the floor tile will be going in.  I wanted to wait until all the big messes were done before doing that.  And installing the new water tank was pretty much the final potential messy job, so that’s out of the way.  The old tank weighed a ton and wasn’t that big.  The new one is lightweight poly(something) and holds 12 gallons.  Yaay!  It fit right into the slot and—having square corners—sits more secure than the old galvanized steel behemoth.  I shined up the sink pump and tap knob and we’re ready for some H2O!

 

I had some lovely musical accompaniment while installing the tank because—yes, dear readers—the surround sound is installed and working.  My friend Jim found a nifty little system that comes with small speakers and--even better--an iPod dock.  I ran a screw right smack into the speakers to hold them securely in place.  Same with the TV.  I mean, don’t you just hate when the home entertainment system goes flying across the house when you take a wide corner? 

 

But those wires… What to do about them?  There are gazillions of them in a home theater system.  Should I just staple them to the wall?  That’d look crappy and, besides, the walls of the camper are curved.  Ugh.  What to do, what to do…  A-ha!  If I run a bead of Liquid Nails on the contour of the wall maybe I can just set the wires right into it.  Yes!  It works just great!  So the wires are not only out of the way and secure, they’re virtually invisible.  (Note to self:  remind me to tell you I love you.)

 

I hot-glued the iPod dock to the TV shelf and fired her up.  The system volume goes up to 50.  I had it set to 4 and the place was rocking!  I can’t wait to settle back into the pillows and watch something like “Lawrence of Arabia” or “Close Encounters.”  What a riot!

 

I picked up the T-shirts the other day and they’re just swell.  I got to see the inner sanctum of the screening place and they even showed me the actual “Canned Ham” screen.  The machine they use for the T-shirts looks like a cross between Fredric March’s automatic tyepsetting machine in “The Adventures of Mark twain” and Paul Newman’s automatic painting machine in “What A Way to Go.”  (Two wholly obscure references, I know.)  But they still squeegee the ink onto the shirts by hand, which I thought was cool.   The place prints your logo onto virtually anything.  I’m thinking:  up next, refrigerator magnets.

 

A big Ham Holler to John, Bonnie, Tim, Spence, Lizzie, David, MJ, Irwin, Arlene, Amy, Bill, Randy, Allen and Scott for ordering T-shirts.  I look forward to seeing pictures of you in them on the Facebook page.  You’re blazing the trail! 

 

(A note on the exterior:  the polishing job is on hold.  After eight hours of hand polishing and sweating and messiness and not a whole lot of ground covered I decided to look for another option.  My friend Jeff at work suggested a pneumatic polisher like they use in a body shop.  I found one online and it’s on its way.  Until then the camper's going to sit with just one-third of one side shiny and bright and the rest of it quivering with antici-i-i-i... pation.)